FUNEMPLOYED

So I’m finally free of that soul crushing ice cream shop!

Being overly dramatic is fun.

I’ve written a list of things I want to do with my newly acquired free time. I wouldn’t call it a ‘bucket list’ by any means, because a lot involve personal hygiene; shave, cut toe nails, wash sheets, mop room. But there are others which involve adventure!

Today I’m going to Tel Aviv, hangin’ out on the beach and chillin’ with friends. Tough life I not lead.

I’m planning a camping trip up north, going to go hiking for a bit. I don’t really know how that’s going to pan out, seeing as the last time I tried to set up a tent I needed the help of teenage girls. Really strong teenage girls…

Might just have to pack some teenage girls.

I’ve gotten back into reading, both English and Hebrew, my next blog post might be a book review. Wild!

And, I’ve been hosting meals!

 

We have a new roommate, an American girl I know from Ulpan. The house is still a Hebrew speaking zone, just not when my Israeli roommate is out.

So in honour of her joining the party we hosted Friday night, and Saturday Shabbat meals.

For both meals we had a typically Jewish mis-catering error, whereby too many people brought too much food. So my fridge has been filled with leftovers ever since, which is great because although we don’t have an oven, we have a microwave, so leftovers can be disguised as freshly cooked meals!

In my apartment we usually eat in the kitchen, but the kitchen is basically a kitchen for ants, in needs to be at least three times bigger. So if we have more than four people over, we eat in my room. This works even better for me, ‘coz after the meals I just got up from my chair and plonked my body onto my bed and went to sleep.

When I woke up, I realised some of my guests had joined me. 

7 Stages of Grieving

I am now in the final days of my work at the ice cream store and I’m sure you, the reader, are just as excited as I am, because after next Tuesday you won’t need to hear about it anymore.

Even though I have a couple more days to go, I feel I have already been blessed with a little bit of hindsight and can already look back on the experience from a week and a half from now: I think I would describe my ebb and flow relationship with work as similar to that of the 7 Stages of Grieving.

I started work with the idea that I wanted to practice my Hebrew, make friends and learn a little bit about  the ‘minimum wage’ culture of Israeli society.

The first Stage was ‘Shock and Denial’:

I was definitely in a numbed state disbelief that I had in fact got a job in Israel, “how exciting!” I thought with wide-eyed naivety.

Then the ‘Pain and Guilt’ set in:

I was struck with insufferable pain and guilt of my decision to work there, both physical and emotional.

The physical was just the other week when the carpometacarpal join in my left hand was sprained from scooping the Dark Chocolate ice cream. My thumbs were also swollen from overuse (mainly from texting out of boredom), so I had to learn to scoop with my right hand.

 

The Third Stage is ‘Anger and Bargaining’:

I started bargaining with my boss as to how many shifts a week I had to do; he wanted 7 double shifts, I wanted two. I started saying “why me?” and muttering profanities as the ice cream behind the sneeze protecting glass.

Then the ‘Depression’ sunk in. I pictured my corpse frozen in the ice cream display and the other workers scooping my body into sugared covered cones.

When I reached the 5^th stage, “The Upward Turn”, I decided to give my notice of retirement from the gelataria business and pull myself out of that half dug grave.

‘Reconstruction and Working Through’ came next, I now can look to the future, and become a more productive member of society.

The final stage is ‘Acceptance and Hope’ – I’ve accepted the experience and decided to bottle and repress it in the back of my mind, to later seep out in forms of physical abuse to small kittens.

As they say in Israel “היה טוב, אבל טוב שהיה” “It was good, but good that it was” (rough translation).

In reality it wasn’t as bad as I thought I was while I was in it.

Outta here!

Lately the ice cream shop has been melting my mind, and not in a good way. So the other day I decided to give my notice and just work till the end of the month, and finish that chapter of my life earlier than expected.

I felt like I was going to have to break up with my boss. I wanted to find the perfect moment, be a man about, and not do it over the phone, but face to face.

I was going to let him down easy, the whole “It’s not you, It’s me” routine.

I thought up this whole story so as not to leave him suspicious that I was in fact leaving because the job was sucking my will to live. I was going to do the ‘complement sandwich’.

Eg. “this job has been a great experience, if I have to scoop one more ice cream I might just cook my face in the waffle machine, but I have really enjoyed working here.”

After two days of brooding I finally told him, ended up just blaming it on the army – “I need some time off before”.

He was completely unfazed.

I can imagine that kind of job had a high turnover of staff, but I thought we had bonded!

Before I finish there the boss is going to milk me for all the hours he can get, but it doesn’t matter coz after that life begins!

Going to go hiking in the hills, camp, eat food from a coal fire, and find an oven, couch and table which mysteriously walked out of my apartment this week. You know, just get back to walking to beat of my own drum.

Waiting for Doubtfire

We’re currently looking for a new housemate because one of my housemates is moving out to go study in Tel Aviv.

So far I’m kind of feeling that it’s like that sequence of calls from the movie Mrs. Doubtfire.

It seems that each person that calls interested in the apartment is a degree more deranged or twisted than the one before. I guess that’s the problem with the internet, equal access for all.

Damn freedom.

The first person that called was a guy, despite us specifically advertising for a girl – preferably good looking, French or South American, and single – but these weren’t a necessity.

We’ll just call this mystery man ‘Tomer’, mainly because that was his name.

He comes late to see the place so neither I nor my other housemate could wait for him, just a girl who’s subletting from us at the moment who shows his round the place. He calls my housemate later and says with the confidence of an American stunt man:

“Hi, I was looking at the room that’s available and, well, it’s a little small. Then I saw the other room (my room), and I understand he’s going to the army soon. I mean good on him and all. But why does a soldier need such a big room? I was wondering if I could rent his room?”

Ah… No…

The next person to call starts off by saying in a slow nasally voice that she’s 27 years old and 80% disabled.

We live on the 3^rd floor of the building, no lift. She says that’s fine. Last I checked legs were more that 20% of your body, so what else works?

I’m confused.

She asks “can I see the room now?”

My roommate and I aren’t home.

“Oh, so how about later today? You see I have to go tomorrow to see my son on the other side of the country. He lives with my ex-husband”

“We probably won’t be home till later”

“Oh, okay, so I might just go to the shopping centre till you’re back. Will you call me when your back?”

“It might only be late in the night”

“Also, I’m quite a social person, but I like my privacy. And also I’d appreciate it if you could tell me before you have people over. And I hope it’s okay if my son and ex-husband come over occasionally for dinner. So can I come and see the place now?”

(…)

“So are you home now, because I really need to move out of my apartment soon?”

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU SAY TO THAT!?!

It would make for some cool blog posts if she actually moved in. Or it could just turn me into a tortured poet.

What’s awkward now is that she knows where we live!

We had one girl who came to look at the place. Sauntered through the place with absolute grace. She’s doing her masters at Hebrew U in Israeli History. Really sweet. ‘Religious light’, meaning she keep kosher and Shabbat but is cool. And best of all – sane.

I hope she calls back, she seemed to like the place. We’ll see. 

A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

I recently realised my circle of friends in Israel, who are my current acting family, is quite small.

I don’t mean circle of people I feel comfortable having a drink with or seeing out in public and having a little chat. Of those kind of people I have enough. I mean my friends friends. The people I invite over for meals and get invited in return. The people I shoot the shit with, chew the fat, banter n junk.

This isn’t something that really worries me - quality over quantity for me any day.

My worry with this group of friends is that I found myself latched onto them like a pack of angry kittens on a ball of florescent yarn, only a lot less bloodshed.

I worry that they might turn around and say, hey, we see that guy all the time, and he always uses cheap similes in his writing and often makes crude jokes about genetalia <see>. Also he’s vegetarian and smells as though he’s replaced the meat in his diet with garlic. (probably true)

To avoid the relationship getting stale I need to maintain my independence and keep my distance. So when they call me, I’m usually not expecting it, and they’re like:

“Hey man, you wanna go shoot some pool, or find a natural spring and swim in it”

Sometimes I just play it cool and say in a really lez a faire kinda way: “Nah man, would love to, but I got shit to do… ‘The Green Lantern’ movie has just loaded on my computer”

In hindsight, probably should have thought of something cooler, but everyone is so cleaver in hindsight.

Now I’m more of the opinion that I should just enjoy it while it lasts. So what if i see them 3 times a day, for coffee, brunch then beers. People love those things! And who knows they could be thinking the same thing - that they dont want to smother my will to live, n such. 

If both parties are playing it cool and keeping their distance then things just cool down too much. I’m talking James Brown cool – HOUGHH! 

And at the end of the day, they’re olim too, we need eachother.