So yesterday I logged onto the army equivalent of facebook. It’s pretty much the same, only with a few differences: The colour themes are camouflage green, rather than baby blue. There are chat groups where you can receive instant orders from your commanders in your free time. There’s no ‘like’ button, just one that says “yes sir”. It has tips on how to avoid smelling like a dead skunk while living in a tent in the Middle Eastern summer. What to pack for your next mission. There are also groups about you rights and your obligations – contrary to popular belief, you don’t just leave your civil rights at the door when you enlist. Another difference is that you don’t write your profile, it is written for you.
They don’t include what music your into, or what quote you’re finding most ironic at the moment. They just give you scores.
These scores are not like HSC (final high school examination) scores, which make you feel like shit because they’re never good enough but don’t actually represent your value as a human being. These scores do. They describe how you are physically, emotionally, psychologically and intellectually.
The army is so efficient at valuing your worth that they can do this after just 2 hours of examinations.
They checked my eyesight, my height, my IQ, my private junk, they ask you personal questions like “do you have friends”, “how many times a week do you call your mum” (it’s a Jewish army, so the more often, the better the score).
Digression: To get in to each of these examinations is like trying to convert to Judaism (despite there being conscription); you go into each office and they say “we can’t help you” three times before something starts happening. Only once your eyes are twitching from over exposure to the waiting room’s florescent lights, and your mouth is foaming from hunger and thirst, and your arms are flexed like an Alpha Male gorilla defending its pack do they say, “Ok, now you’re ready to enlist.”
I overused the sentence “אני לא זז מפה עד שתתנו לי מה אני רוצה” (I’m not moving from here until you give me what I need) so much so that I could shorten it to “לא זז” (not moving). I walk in past the security guard saying “לא זז” (no move) waving away his objections. I walk past reception “זז” (move) they just knew what I meant. Then I’d wait until someone called me in.
So I’ve finished this process and I’m on the army facebook and I open my profile and it turns out my marks are posted and they happen to be the highest you can get! Yay me!
I mean, I always thought I was a Wolverine. Ultimate warrior! Like if Xena and Yoda had a kid. (sick3) Toughest mucho man, most emotionally stable soldier to be! Anyone who knows me knows this is a gross overstatement. I can do one sit up a day, and that’s when I get out of bed.
I know what you’re thinking, first you thought “wow kudos, you’re my hero”, then you though “I bet you only got that score because you let the doctor cop a feel of your dangly bits.”
Well you know what?
Sometimes a man’s gotta do awkward things to get what he wants! I’m not proud of it, but I’m trying to succeed here.
What’s worrying about this score is that the army likes to chup (scoop up) the guys with high scores and try get them to enlist for longer…
Why didn’t I wear my man-kini to the psychological interview!?!
