Bad Words

I guess the people have voted and you have to give the people what they want.

So I am still in the Defence Force serving one of my countries. My Hebrew speaking skills, and my be-a-barsterd-bureaucrat skills are improving immensely.

My only problem is still the slang, I can translate things in my head, but they make no sense in the context of things, so I just sit there and allow the floods gates of potty-talk take shape in my imagination.

NB: If your parents believe in censorship of bad-naughty words, or you have a weak heart, keep reading (I don’t give a shit).

So the other day this comrade of mine is telling us all about his weekend and how amazing it was, then he says “Achalti ochel BEN zonah” which literally means “I ate food son of a whore”.

SO I’m thinking, okay, so he ate the food of a son of a whore, but is happy about it, so maybe the son of a whore’s mother came out to give him the food and gave him a ‘plus 1’ for more tips.

Or maybe he ate the food of a son of a whore, who in the womb contracted one of her many STIs and then her son passed in on to my friend and now the disease is taking over his mind leaving him with that stupid smile stapled to his face. Syphilis can do that!

So I ask: “Why would you eat the food from a son of a whore”, people laugh.

Me: “no, seriously”…

FYI – eating the food of the son of a whore means it was a good thing. The term can also be used for video games: “That video game, son of a whore!”

Favourite tunes “that song was son of a whore”.

But not people “That guy is a son of a whore” is still an insult, but if he serves you food, or plays a song, it’s good!

By now I am a really confused son of whore!

Next this female comrade asks a fellow soldier to help her clean the office, he don’t take no orders from no woman. So she tells him, that she doesn’t care and can also “lizrok zayin al ha’Kol” – which to the literal reader means “I can also throw dick on everything”.

So I just get visually raped time and time again picturing this young girl throwing penises on everything she sees.

Where does she get these penises? Who is now walking around without their penis? Who is going to clean up these penis casualties and tell their parents that they fought bravely and died with dignity?

I later find out after another embarrassing question that it means to “throw your dick away” mean to “not give a damn”. With loose Socratic reasoning, it makes sense!

I also learnt a euphemism for homosexuals; it roughly translates to “a guy who runs backwards with his eyes closed in a field of corn.”

So colourful this holy tongue!

I am no longer worried about learning the language of the Hebrew Man, now it’s all about learning the language of the Hebrew Teen.

P.s. You can still vote on this post.

Home Hunt

Future Home.

Ulpan is about to come to an end.

Now more than ever I really feel that I am actually making Aliyah. By ‘Aliyah’ I mean running toward a blurred horizon where everything is uncertain but has some sort of purpose.

When I left Australia I knew where I was going to live, what I was going to eat, and what I was going to do when I got here. Now, everything I plan on doing in the next 6 months to a year is followed by a “maybe”. 

This is both exciting and intensely unsettling.

I like to forward plan, but in this country if you approach someone and say “I’m interested in renting this place in a month”, they say; “come back to me in a month”.

Just reflecting a little on the whole Absorption Centre experience. I’ve made some great friends, some who I will keep in touch with post Ulpan. Then there are some I can’t stand, and after Ulpan I will carry a plastic bag at all times coz if I see them I might throw my guts up.

We have our final exam next week, but we have classes until the 6^th June (weird), and are expelled from the building on the 15^th. So if you do the math, the 6 month Ulpan the government is meant to provide its new immigrants isn’t very much at all.

If there were no breaks it would only be 4.5 months, but there were many breaks; Pesach, day trips, Independence Day etc. Now 4.5 months becomes just under 4. But then the Ulpan itself was never full-time, it was 3.5hours a day which in my opinion was a good thing, but nonetheless halves the Ulpan period which come to 2 months.

My Hebrew has improved immensely, that’s for sure. I can bargain for a better price for my veggies in the shuk. I can complement a soldier at the recruitment office on his compassion for ‘Lone Soldiers’ so that he gives me what I need. But could I write a Master’s Thesis? – Harbeh Lo. Can I deconstruct the literary devices of a Yeuda Amicha poem – Pashut Lo. But I’m getting there.

I can understand about 70% of the news, so that on El-Naqba day I knew that someone from Syria had broken Israel’s borders, not sure if it were their tanks or protestors. Lucky I don’t worry about these things.

Hebrew can often be confusing though, especially with the news. Neshek (weapon) and Neshikah (kiss) are very similar. So a young man in downtown Lod was cought kissing a teenage boy, big deal, is that really news worthy?

The security guard at the supermarket asked me if I had a knife (sakin) I said yes and showed him my plastic bag (sakit) I wanted to reuse. ‘To wait’ (lechakot) and ‘to copy’ or ‘imitate’ (lechakot) are identical to the ear. So when an Israeli friend told me to wait for her while she went off to go to the toilet, I followed her and did as she did. Awkward…

Especially being Australian where pronouncing each consonant isn’t so important makes Hebrew all the more difficult where an ‘i’ or and ‘eh’ can change the entire meaning of the word. And I don’t think I’ll ever learn to pronounce the ‘resh’ (‘r’ sound)

Oy Vey.