For a while now I have been going through a bit of an existentialist saga. Some friends tell me it’s because I expect too much of myself, others say, I don’t do enough.
This feeling of meaninglessness didn’t germinate from a point of depression or from a broken heart. Clichés like that bore my entire generation.
Instead, I think, this feeling of being enveloped by pointlessness sprouted when I was caught up in the routine of work.
I was working then eating, then sleeping just so I would awake for work, to eat, to sleep. Working on sleep eating, and eating sleep at work. I don’t eat sheep, but I need sleep.
As you can see, my world began to unravel at the seams like the psyche of Dr. Suess on acid (or rather, more acid.)
So I turned to the books and to movies. Watched a junk-load of Charlie Kaufman films which were overly unhinged – just the way I like it.
Then to a theological master, Rav Soloveichik’s. I figured his essay Lonely Man of Faith would give me some direction toward the path to meaning.
As eloquent a writer he is, extended metaphors are only good for the first 20 pages. He stretches the Adam and Eve stories (plural, Gen. Ch. 2 & 3) to a point where my stomach convulsed and I vomited out my nose – figuratively.
The essay also ended with a question, which frustrated me though it did help me arrive at a couple of conclusions.
Firstly, that I am not a man of faith. Just a simple Yid. I find it difficult to believe in the Character we call God in the bible. I think it is a juvenile way of conceptualising an ultimate, infinite being and can be almost directly compared with Michel Foucault’s ‘Panopticon’ – a prison design in which the prisoners’ cells encircle a watchtower which they cannot see into. The inmates’ behaviour drastically improves as they never know whether or not they were being watched.
The second and third aren’t developed enough to be published in this ramble.
What is worth mentioning is that on my last day of work the random playlist which shuffles between genres like a prostitute and sexually transmitted infections – every once in a while you get the same song on again, but mostly it’s just a mixed bag, started playing The Sunscreen Song by Baz Luhrmann.
Listening to that song while mopping whipped cream off the floor, I found myself riding a wave of emotion. I felt both happy and sad and eventually – satisfied.
It was then I decided to listen to the song repeatedly until the message got through my head, and I acted upon at least 70% of his advice. Some are easier than others.
Some examples:
“Dance” - done, too easy
“Don’t read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly” – Easy
“Sing” – Always
“Understand that friends come and go” – getting there
“Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults” – Okay
“Do one thing every day that scares you”…
This is one I’m going to start working on tomorrow. That’s not me procrastinating, I’m actually going to.
Tomorrow I’ve decided to hike from Tzfat to Kibbutz Sde Eliyahu.
I can’t say I’ve done it yet, but my bag is packed.
For those who know me, I’m not the manliest of men, and I’m not so good at camping. That’s why I’ve decided not to take a tent…
The hike will go for 4 days, 3 nights and I hope to cover around 80km (ish) – totally doable.
Let you know how it goes. But either way, it'll give me a moment of beauty.
